Respect

Dearest C,

This was written back in September. I feel ready to share this now. I thought it would be fitting on International Women's Day to emphasize the importance of how women should help each other, support each other and be each other advocates.

One of my favorite quotes is "there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."

Writing can be therapeutic so I wanted to share with you some feelings that I've been going through at this moment. This isn't directed at you but hopefully you'll find this insightful if you do decide to go into medicine one day.

I was recently told by a female acquaintance that I use my occupation to "demand respect." And it struck a nerve with me. First off, she doesn't know me very well. Our interactions are limited and her judgment of me, in my opinion, is based of what she sees on social media and group email threads.

So to all the women like this one in particular who thinks its okay to put down another female who is struggling in balancing career, motherhood and marriage--this is my story. You never had a right to judge, I never owed you an explanation but I have a voice and today, I want to use it.

When a medical student shares a moment from their white coat ceremony, that's not "demanding respect." It's a moment that marks the beginning of their journey, one at minimum is 7 years but for me that was the beginning of a 10 year journey. 

When a medical student shares a moment from their medical school graduation, that's not "demanding respect." It's actually the beginning of a very humbling journey. One that marks the transition to an actual doctor but a doctor that is at the second from the bottom of the totem pole. One that we are very aware since as a medical student we were just at the bottom of this totem pole. We know what we're getting ourselves into and that this is NOT the end but the beginning of a very difficult journey, one that will also entail more sacrifice and more missed events with family and friends. 

When a resident or fellow shares a moment from graduating from their medical training, that's not "demanding respect." That's the culmination of their medical training that he or she has poured his heart and soul into often taking care of others instead of themselves and even their own family at times.

When a first time attending posts a photo of their first paycheck, that's not "demanding respect." That's a milestone that took 14 years to achieve. That's a tangible product of their blood, sweat and tears. 

For me, sharing these moments was never to demand to respect but rather a way for me to share important milestones. For me all those moments have been more as a "I can't believe I made it this far. I survived." There are still moments when I look at you and I still can't believe we made it. I look at my life and I never forget what it took to get here. The days of pumping but having no baby to nurse when you were with grandma in Orange County. The days of crying in the bathroom stalls after returning to residency 6 weeks post-partum. The days of battling postpartum depression and postpartum Grave's disease but continuing my residency as if nothing happened. The days as a "single mom" during our 2 years of long distance. I will never forget.

On top of this, there was the constant need to have to prove myself just because I am a female and also a mom. Everyone assumed that I wouldn't make is through residency after I had a baby. I scored the highest on my in-service exam and that finally got me some respect. Your dad was often told that his residency and fellowship training was made much more difficult by having a wife who had her own career and couldn't take care of his needs. And then there was (and still is) the constant judgment from both men and women about how I am a bad mother for not staying at home and using childcare. (the most "memorable" insult being when I was told I needed to know my audience because his wife who is a stay at home mom who pretends to be a work at home mom doesn't have any help but I am a part time mom because I had my mom's help during residency. I mean I was only trying to become a doctor while she watched you...) Why does a dad never get judged for these things? I hope by the time you are a mom that you live in a world where this kind of prejudice doesn't exist especially from other women. 

For me, as a physician, there is nothing more important than humility. I believe the most important part of medical training is learning humility and learn how to be a safe doctor. I am very aware in my first months as an attending that there is no safety net. The decisions I make now is just me. I hold this feeling sacred and it is something I will never take for granted.

If there's one thing I do in this life will be to show you how to be a strong woman not by my words but by example.

Here's to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them. 

Thanks for listening C! I love you and you at 5, I already know you are going to be a force to be reckoned with! Watch out world, I am raising one hell of a girl!

Love, mom