Respect

Dearest C,

This was written back in September. I feel ready to share this now. I thought it would be fitting on International Women's Day to emphasize the importance of how women should help each other, support each other and be each other advocates.

One of my favorite quotes is "there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."

Writing can be therapeutic so I wanted to share with you some feelings that I've been going through at this moment. This isn't directed at you but hopefully you'll find this insightful if you do decide to go into medicine one day.

I was recently told by a female acquaintance that I use my occupation to "demand respect." And it struck a nerve with me. First off, she doesn't know me very well. Our interactions are limited and her judgment of me, in my opinion, is based of what she sees on social media and group email threads.

So to all the women like this one in particular who thinks its okay to put down another female who is struggling in balancing career, motherhood and marriage--this is my story. You never had a right to judge, I never owed you an explanation but I have a voice and today, I want to use it.

When a medical student shares a moment from their white coat ceremony, that's not "demanding respect." It's a moment that marks the beginning of their journey, one at minimum is 7 years but for me that was the beginning of a 10 year journey. 

When a medical student shares a moment from their medical school graduation, that's not "demanding respect." It's actually the beginning of a very humbling journey. One that marks the transition to an actual doctor but a doctor that is at the second from the bottom of the totem pole. One that we are very aware since as a medical student we were just at the bottom of this totem pole. We know what we're getting ourselves into and that this is NOT the end but the beginning of a very difficult journey, one that will also entail more sacrifice and more missed events with family and friends. 

When a resident or fellow shares a moment from graduating from their medical training, that's not "demanding respect." That's the culmination of their medical training that he or she has poured his heart and soul into often taking care of others instead of themselves and even their own family at times.

When a first time attending posts a photo of their first paycheck, that's not "demanding respect." That's a milestone that took 14 years to achieve. That's a tangible product of their blood, sweat and tears. 

For me, sharing these moments was never to demand to respect but rather a way for me to share important milestones. For me all those moments have been more as a "I can't believe I made it this far. I survived." There are still moments when I look at you and I still can't believe we made it. I look at my life and I never forget what it took to get here. The days of pumping but having no baby to nurse when you were with grandma in Orange County. The days of crying in the bathroom stalls after returning to residency 6 weeks post-partum. The days of battling postpartum depression and postpartum Grave's disease but continuing my residency as if nothing happened. The days as a "single mom" during our 2 years of long distance. I will never forget.

On top of this, there was the constant need to have to prove myself just because I am a female and also a mom. Everyone assumed that I wouldn't make is through residency after I had a baby. I scored the highest on my in-service exam and that finally got me some respect. Your dad was often told that his residency and fellowship training was made much more difficult by having a wife who had her own career and couldn't take care of his needs. And then there was (and still is) the constant judgment from both men and women about how I am a bad mother for not staying at home and using childcare. (the most "memorable" insult being when I was told I needed to know my audience because his wife who is a stay at home mom who pretends to be a work at home mom doesn't have any help but I am a part time mom because I had my mom's help during residency. I mean I was only trying to become a doctor while she watched you...) Why does a dad never get judged for these things? I hope by the time you are a mom that you live in a world where this kind of prejudice doesn't exist especially from other women. 

For me, as a physician, there is nothing more important than humility. I believe the most important part of medical training is learning humility and learn how to be a safe doctor. I am very aware in my first months as an attending that there is no safety net. The decisions I make now is just me. I hold this feeling sacred and it is something I will never take for granted.

If there's one thing I do in this life will be to show you how to be a strong woman not by my words but by example.

Here's to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them. 

Thanks for listening C! I love you and you at 5, I already know you are going to be a force to be reckoned with! Watch out world, I am raising one hell of a girl!

Love, mom

The final month of just you and me

Dearest C,

It's May 31st, 2017. It's official. We are down to the final month of just you and me. What a journey it has been? And you definitely keep it exciting up until the last minute don't you? I write this as I watch you play as we're staying home today as you have a mild case of hand foot mouth disease. As a fellow, I still feel so guilty about missing work but I am enjoying this extra time that I have with you (that is until grandma can make it down to San Diego so I can go back to work).

I find it harder and harder to tell you how I feel because words can only say so much. Instead, I try to show you every day how much I love you. I try so hard to be present and as you get older, I am realizing just how fleeting these moments are and how you are only this little for so long. Every time you want mommy, there's always a little sadness knowing that you won't need me this much in the future. Every time you tell me I'm your best friend, I just want to capture this moment forever because I know one day you'll have your own friends and it'll take some time for me to build a relationship with you that goes from mommy-daughter to one day, hopefully where you will truly think of me as your best friend as you become your own person and able to make your own choices.

I want you to choose me. I know you had no choice in who was your mom. You got stuck with me. And I could write an entire blog post on how sorry I am for all the mistakes I've made as a first time mom and how the working mom guilt consumes me at times but I won't because I want this post to be an uplifting and positive one. But like I said, you were stuck with me. We will always be mom and daughter. But as you get older, I hope you choose me to be your best friend. I hope you want to hang out with me. I hope you share your secrets with me. I hope you know that I will always be there for you as your mom but also as your "best friend."

Despite how hard the past 4.5 years has been, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I look back and sometimes wonder how I did it. The pain of being away with you for two and a half years still brings tears to my eyes. The past two years as just you and me as daddy did his fellowship at Yale (or whale as you used to call it) and his past year in LA as an attending has been the hardest but most fulfilling two years. I questioned myself all the time. I doubted myself so many times. But as we enter our last month of just the two of us, I know I wasn't perfect but I think I did okay.

I know I am biased but you at 4 and a half is definitely a force to be reckoned with. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are sweet. You make me feel special every single day. You make me so proud to be your mommy. I will forever cherish these past two years of the two of us. Even as a toddler, you made me work for it. You made me earn the title of primary caregiver. But as I became your person, the one that knew what every cry meant and the person who would know what you wanted and what you needed without you saying a single world, I became more and more confident that you and I are meant to be. There's no mistake that I was put on this Earth to be your mama.

Let's enjoy 1 more month of mommy-daughter dates, 1 more month of pre-school picks up and drop offs, 1 more month of you occasionally having to come with me to work, and most importantly, let's get ready to start the next chapter in our lives.

LA, we're coming for you! This family of 4 (including Po) is finally ready to live under the same roof.

I'm so proud of the person you are becoming. You will always be my biggest blessing, don't ever forget that!

Love, mama

Happy 4th Birthday C!

Dearest C,

I seriously cannot believe you are now 4! There are times it feels that these past 4 years flew by but it also seems like you've been with us forever and what was life before you?

I know I've neglected this blog this past year and the number of posts have gotten less but as you get older, it just gets harder and harder for me to put into words what you mean to me. But I am going to try today as it is your 4th birthday and all!

If there was one word to describe you, it would be that you are a fighter. I knew from the very beginning when you were in my tummy. Being my first pregnancy and all, I wasn't sure if what I was feeling were your kicks in my second trimester. However, when I went into the ER at 26 weeks for abdominal pain and you went in with me to get a MRI, you let me know you hated it! I didn't blame you as it was so incredibly loud for an entire 60 minutes and the images were being taken right where you were! But you definitely let me know that you were pissed off. You kicked me the entire 60 minutes and it was then I knew what they meant by fetal kicks.

At the time, I was so worried about what would happen to you while I went under general anesthesia but you nailed it. You were literally there when I had my appendix removed and you did exactly what you were suppose to do. You stayed inside and cooked for another 14 weeks.

When you were born, you were perfect. I was not. Tears still come to my eyes when I think back on that period of your life and I feel this insurmountable amount of guilt of what I put you through. I had no idea what I was doing. Instead of focusing on my perfect and healthy child, my mind kept going on how the heck I was going to balance motherhood and my career, which was in its infancy as I was only a PGY2 in my 6 years of training.

You nailed it again. You were the most perfect baby. You went from 7 pounds to 17 pounds by the end of my 7 week maternity leave! By the time, I had to go back to work, you were basically sleeping through the night except waking up once to eat and would right back to sleep. You thrived under the care of grandma. As I watched you grow into a happy healthy baby and eventual toddler that guilt started to lessen but never completely. You let me know in your way that you were doing well even though, I wasn't your primary caregiver and I knew my decision to keep you with grandma was the right one.

Fast forward to June 2015 and your move to San Diego. We only had about 4 weeks as a family of 3 until daddy had to go away to New Haven for fellowship. It was our first year as just the 2 of us. Once again, you were beyond patient with me. I struggled with balancing my last year of residency with being your primary caregiver. It wasn't easy for you to go from being the center of the world at grandma's house to going to pre-school full time and having a full-time plus working mom. But once again, you nailed it. You shut down all my fears in 2 months. You thrived at pre school. You learned English in a matter of weeks. You made friends. You formed bonds with your teachers. It was one of the most hardest years of my life but it was beyond gratifying to finally be your "favorite" and the one you wanted in your times of need.

And here we are today on your 4th birthday. We survived the first half of mommy's fellowship. It's still just the two of us but we have so much to look forward to as in 6 months, we'll be joining daddy in LA and mommy will be starting my attending job in LA. We have a lot of firsts to look forward to this summer as we start a new chapter in our lives. But until then, I'm going to enjoy these next 6 months of just you and me. I will always look back at these times and the difficult memories will fade but the memories of picking you up from school while you run to me, the memories of eating dinner just the two of us and the memories of all the mommy-daughter dates after school will always remain be in my heart.

I know I say this all the time. But I had it all wrong. You continue to teach me something new every single day. You show me a love that I didn't I know I was capable of and you show me that love is not finite. My heart grows in places that I didn't know existed. Life has never been the same since you entered 4 years ago and I am beyond blessed to be your mama.

It is truly an honor, C. Thank you and happiest birthday to my firstborn!

Love, Mama

Your first broken bone

Dearest C,

It has been awhile since my last post. It has been a very busy time for us the last few months. A quick recap-- mommy graduated residency in June, we went on your first cruise with grandma the week after graduation, daddy had his fellowship graduation dinner end of June  and you went on your first east coast trip and we had a wonderful time with daddy in New York for a long weekend and then most recently, mommy started fellowship. Also, sometime within that month, you and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. It's been over a year since you moved down to San Diego and it's now about a year since it's just been you and me as we're nearing the end of your dad's fellowship. On a side note, daddy will be coming back "forever" as you say in about 10 days! Although, we will have to wait another year to join daddy in LA to truly start our "forever" as a family of 3.

But let's go back to mom starting fellowship. July 1st was mommy's first day. And I really just got thrown in. I got assigned to covering the emergency room from 5-12pm the first ten days of fellowship as an attending (aka no supervision; no one is there to check my work; what I say is the final word aka totally petrifying!). Since we started on a Friday and it was 10 days in a row--there was the holiday weekend. Since I had to work the holiday weekend, I took you to OC to stay with grandma on Saturday and my plan was to commute back and forth so I could spend the day with you.

On Sunday evening (the 3rd), we said good bye and I drove down to San Diego to go straight to work. At approximately 4:50 PM, grandma calls me in a panic. She's screaming and I can't understand one word she's saying and I hear you screaming and crying. I finally calmed grandma down and was able to hear what happened. Your grandparents are in the process of moving and a huge wooden sculpture that your grandpa had for awhile was in the living room. It's been there for years but it has always been leaning against a wall. However, for the new house, he wanted to hang it up and he had some people come by to take a look at it to see how it could be mounted. Unfortunately, they did not put in back in the stable position it used to be in.

Grandma was upstairs doing laundry and she told you to hold on as you two were going to go to the park to feed the ducks. You were excited and went downstairs first. You are such a careful child and we never have to worry about you touching things you aren't suppose to and so I know it was a complete accident. You even told me. You were waiting for grandma. You put on your backpack and the big thing fell on you. Grandma came downstairs and saw you stuck under the huge wooden sculpture and your poor little left foot was pinned. I'm not sure how she did but she lifted it up and got you out and called me.

Back in San Diego, I pull over and ask grandma to send me photos of your foot and we Skype. I am able to see that there was no open fracture. I asked grandma to check to see if you are neurovascularly intact. You were. So I gave her two options. One was to take you to a children's hospital in Orange County but unfortunately, nobody was around to help her. Grandpa is out on the country. Your uncle wasn't home. And your dad is still on the east coast. Second option was to drive down and we go to a children's hospital in San Diego where mommy and daddy has rotated before and where I am familiar with the system.

We went with option 2. I called the ER PM attending in charge to sort out my options. There wasn't much as there was no back up. So I went to work and worked until you and grandma got to San Diego. Then I left, we went to ED together and I promised to return when I could.

Grandma made it around 6:30PM and we got to Rady's children hospital by 7PM. We were seen right away and your daddy from the east coast was able to contact the orthopedic resident (aka bone doctor) to see you right away. An x-ray was taken and my gut feeling was confirmed--you had a broken bone. Here's your adorable little foot x-ray.

Luckily, it's a non-displaced base of third metatarsal fracture, which means no surgery and no cast. You just have the most adorable little hard sole shoe.

As for now, it's been 3 days since your injury. You still refuse to put any weight on it. Grandma is staying with us in San Diego so mommy can go to work at night. And since she's here, I am keeping you at home this week so you're getting a week off school so you can rest. My heart still breaks every time I see your little foot and if there was a way, I could feel the pain for you, I would in a heartbeat. 

However, the whole point of this post is not just to document your first fracture but how you handled it. Despite your frustrations at being unable to walk, you have the brightest disposition that would put most adults to shame. You tell me "mommy, it's okay! I'll be better soon. I'll just crawl like a baby until I can walk." When I told you "I don't know what I would do if something bad happened to you," you responded with "don't cry mommy! nothing bad will happen to me. you're my mommy--we will be together forever." I don't know how at 3 you are so perceptive and so positive.

Once again, it reminds me that I had it all wrong when I was pregnant. I thought there would be so many things to teach you, little one but it is you that continues to teach me day in and day out on how to be a better human being, a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter and a better doctor. Thank you C, it is truly a blessing to be your mama!

Love, mama 

Mommy is sorry...

Dearest C,

Today was one of those mornings. Actually it's been a not so fun couple of weeks for both you and me.

Last Tuesday, you started your first day in the 3 year old class. It's the same pre-school but different  classroom. Yet from your perspective, it must feel like a whole new world with different teachers, different classmates and different routine. And given your stubborn personality, I know it's hard to accept change. With both your pre-schools in Irvine and your 2 year old class in San Diego, you took 6-7 weeks until you felt completely comfortable and started to enjoy pre-school. Speaking of your personality, you are definitely a thinker. You take your time whether you want to do something or get to know someone. But you are also very confident in your choices because once you make up your mind, you usually don't go back on your decision.

We've somehow made it to the last day of week 2 this morning but I think we may have had our worst morning yet. For some miracle, despite you being in pre-school for over a year, you and I haven't experienced too many colds or other illnesses. You got a case of hand-foot-mouth disease 3-4 months ago but other than that, you've been quite a trooper. I actually think it is my immune system that can't keep up! You got a cold last week but it didn't seem to bother you at all. It wasn't serious and you were able to go to school. However, I must have caught it this week and I have been miserable!

Being sick and taking care of a 3 year old while having to be a resident is something that definitely causes a lot of WTF moments. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and count to 10 just to calm myself down and return to the moment. Its easy for me to get upset at your dad. A lot of times this week I think "he should be here," "why am I doing this alone?" or "how nice it would be if he were here to just entertain you for 30 minutes so I can take a nap." But no. I don't get any of those things and for the most part, we've been going along with our daily routine with a lot of meltdowns, tantrums and tears.

I try really really hard to not join in your meltdowns, tantrums and tears. But I did this morning. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was coughing every 2 minutes. When it finally felt like I fell asleep, you were up and you were screaming and yelling about not wanting to go to school and how you want to go back to the 2 year old class.

You calmed down and you had breakfast. But everything was said and done with whining. At that point, I had already lost my voice from cold and couldn't' really respond to you. When it was time to get dressed that is when you lost it completely. The weather is still mildly cold so when I told you to pick a long sleeved shirt, you refused. When I said I would count to 5 and I wanted you to pick a shirt in 5 seconds, you chose that moment to throw all your winter clothes on the ground. That was the moment I lost it. I know I shouldn't have but I did. I yelled back, which is something I really hate to do and when I forced you to put on a long sleeved shirt, it shocked me that I hurt you in the process. I saw I grabbed your arm a little too hard and I hated myself in the moment. I really did hate myself.

I counted to ten slowly and I asked you what you would like to wear and you chose a short sleeved doggy shirt and you agreed to wear a jacket. We went to the car. You cried the entire drive to school and then you cried the enter walk into your classroom. You cried so loud that your teacher, Ms Sarah, had to take you outside as the other students were reading books during circle time and your cries were too disruptive.

I came outside and called grandma and just lost it. I cried and cried and cried some more. I felt like I failed you as a mom. As I being too selfish? Is it fair of me to send my daughter to school so I can finish my residency? Why am I forced to make these choices as a woman? And also just tremendous guilt mostly along the thoughts of "I am a horrible mother!." "Why did I lose it?," and "Why can't I be more patient?"

My dearest Chloe bear, I am sure it is so difficult for you to transition to another environment. I'm sorry for having too high of expectations. I'm so sorry for trying to get you to fit into my life and not the other way around. I am sorry for losing my temper. I am sorry for forcing you to do something you don't want to do. I am so so sorry. This is my apology to you. I am figuring out this motherhood thing as time goes on and as a type A personality who organizes my life to every minute, every second, I have not been most the most flexible mom. And you need that in your life. You go to school all day from Monday or Friday where you are forced to follow a schedule and you do just fine. You loved your 2 year old class but right now, you're transitioning and I'm sorry for not being understanding. I'm sorry for dismissing your meltdowns, tantrums and tears and not seeing them as signs of distress.

Starting today, we'll do something different. When you cry, I'll just simply hug you. I can't change your class room and I can't send you back to your old teachers but I will constantly remind you that despite all the changes going on right now, mommy is always a constant. Mom is someone you an count on. Mom is not someone who'll yell back and force you to adjust to mom's life. You take all the time you need and I promise to be more patient. You've done it before and you'll do it again.

I love you to the moon and back. I know I'm a imperfect mother and my heart is breaking at work at the way we left things this morning. But I promise, I"ll pick you up today with a smile on my face and come Monday, we'll do things differently.

Love, Mom

A letter to my firstborn

Dearest C,

It struck me today how grown up you are.

It made me a little emotional.

We were getting ready for school like we normally do.

We ate breakfast and we brushed your teeth, washed your face and I asked you if you wanted to me to do your hair.

Today you said, "yes mommy! only 1! only 1!" (meaning you only want 1 ponytail) As I started combing your hair into a pony tail and grabbed a hair tie. You said "no mommy!!!!! I want a white hair tie!"

This is so you at less than 3 months away from being 3. You are so sure in what you want. There's no doubt in your voice. You hold strong to your convictions. My stubborn, fierce, firstborn.

I grabbed the white hair tie and put your hair into a pony tail. It's been some time since you asked me to do your hair. You usually keep it down. As I stared at your long pony tail, it struck me how grown up you are.

Wasn't it just yesterday that I was staring at your toothless, hairless chunky monkey face and wondering what was going on in that little head of yours? Wasn't it just yesterday that I would buy ridiculous hair bands so people would know that you were a girl and wonder when it would be time to start braiding and styling your non-existent hair?

I realized this morning. That day has already come. It was an ordinary day but that morning, I held you a little closer when we hugged good-bye at our morning pre-school drop off. These moments are numbered. These days are numbered.

As my firstborn, I apologize in advance for being an imperfect mother. I don't know what I'm doing majority of the time and a lot of it is trail and error. You have been so patient with me and nothing but a true angel baby.

It was as if you already knew and you're going easy on me.

I'll always hold a special place in my heart for you because you are my firstborn. You are the one that made me a mother.

Today what made me sad the most was that you are almost 3. Because of residency, I've missed out on so many moments. Somehow in the midst of all this craziness,  my baby became a little girl. And it struck me that these beautiful moments that I get to experience with you now are so fleeting.

This is my vow to you, my beautiful firstborn, I will not take another moment for granted. Every hug, every kiss, every I love you.

I remember thinking the best is yet to come when I initially started residency. Fast forward 4 years later and I am still a resident but watching you grow up, I realized the best is here. And I owe that to you.

You make me feel beautiful even on the days I feel my worst. You make me feel important even on the days I feel overlooked. You make me feel loved even on the days I feel lonely. You remind me that I have a purpose in life. A bigger purpose than my career.

It's an honor, little one to be your mama.

My first post as a "single mom"

Dearest C,

I'm an anonymous blogger for a website dedicated to mothers in medicine. I wanted to share my recent post just so you can get a glimpse of our current lives. One day, I'll look back and laugh. In fact, I'm already kind of laughing. There's no other way to survive motherhood! So here it is!

"Disclaimer  #1: most days aren't like the one I'll be talking about but few are as noteworthy as the past couple days that I feel compelled to share.

Disclaimer #2: most days really aren't that bad and as my little C has adjusted to pre-school and I've been somewhat juggling this whole residency, husband on the east coast doing fellowship and raising a daughter and our toy poodle (did I mention I also am crazy enough to add a dog into the mix?-- but of course, the dog did happen before the baby so I am not that crazy right?) okay. I have my good days and my bad days.

But I think I may have just experienced the worst one yet!

I'm from California so please forgive me when I complain about the weather for those who experience much worse! But we have been experiencing the hottest summer ever! I've lived in California all my life and I've lived in the city where I'm doing residency since 2003! (Yes, I am one of those people that has done undergraduate, medical school and residency all at the same institution!)

The past couple days my little C has not been sleeping well due to the heat. We don't have central AC at our place but we do have a portable one but due to the usually pretty awesome weather we are used to experiencing we do not need to use it very often. However, we've been experiencing weather in the triple digits with unusual humidity so it's been a very uncomfortable situation.

So bad actually that I moved us all out to the living room where the portable AC is located and the 3 of us, me, little C and our toy poodle have been "camping." On top of this, my little C is in the midst of potty training. She's been doing a great job with #1 but #2 not so much. She has a huge fear of pooping on the toilet but she's been holding it in until she comes home from school and I put her in a pull-up. After 4 days of not pooping, I was very worried. I spent all evening yesterday trying to get her to poop---ranging from pear juice, green smoothies and grapes and finally, she did it! I was feeling pretty great until then my dog P decided to go diarrhea everywhere. I still don't know the cause of the diarrhea but either way, pretty darn gross!

It seemed like she was done after we took her outside and let her do her business some more so we went back in. I gave little C a bath. I gave P a bath. And then as I'm giving myself a shower, of course with both of them staring at me, P decided to go diarrhea again! I run out of the shower, clean up the mess and P.

As I'm putting little C to bed, I touch my hair and notice that there is still shampoo in my hair. Great. I fall asleep too tired to notice. But of course, I wake up intermittently all night worried about P making another accident. I thought I was smart by keeping her in a secluded area so if she did make a mistake, I would be able to find it.

I wake up and I find P on our couch. She escaped. I search the house frantically but luckily, I found only 1 small mistake. As I clean that up, of course, little C wakes up and I have to get her ready for school and get myself ready for work as well.

We're also potty training so I put her on potty and she goes! yay! (minor victories...) I make her breakfast of grilled cheese. She screams and yells she wants bagels. Usually I comply but this morning, I just couldn't. Lo and behold, she eventually finished the grilled cheese.

I give P another bath to wash her up and notice that the hair around her butt area keeps getting soiled when she goes diarrhea so I said screw it, I'm just going to cut it off. I find a pair of scissors and while little C stares at me, I start trimming my dog's butt hair. I sat there and could not believe what I was doing. As I disinfected the scissors, I cut myself in the process. Great!

We're about to leave and I decided to get rid of P's dog food. Great again. I notice that the heat has made the ants find refuge in P's dog food. I find a trail of ants. I panic and then of course, I had to kill the army of ants in P's food.

Okay at this point, I am just super late. I'm done. Oh shoot, I notice that little C is still in pull-ups. I try to get her in underwear but then all hell breaks loose. She just started wearing underwear all day at school. She loses it and refuses to wear underwear. I'm about to lose it too. I let her wear pull-ups.

We finally make it out of the house but oh no, we forgot blue doggy (she has to bring to him to school!). I run upstairs and grab blue doggy and we finally make it to school. I tell her teacher about the pull-up situation and her teacher says that's fine. I yell thank you and run out the door.

I finally made it to the hospital. I park. I lose it. I cry and laugh at the same time in my car. I wished someone could have filmed us this morning. The meaning of a chicken running with his head cut off has a whole new meaning.

I calm down. I walk in. I open up my work list. I check my e-mail. My attending has sent back edits on my abstract. I submit it. I start dictating my studies.

If only anyone else knew about the morning I just had...

I felt compelled to share this day in particularly because in the light of social media, people see snippets into our lives not the full picture. I get asked constantly how I balance it all and make it look so easy. I wanted to share the truth. It is not easy. I'm a hot mess majority of the time. But that's life. That's motherhood. That's residency. It's the life I choose and I wouldn't have it any other way! (most of the time anyways! I did have my moments of doubt this morning)"

Let me reinforce once again to you that most days are NOT like this. Most days are beautiful as I get to learn more about you and I fall more in love with being your mother. But part of motherhood is learning to roll with all the crazy curveballs and despite it all, I wouldn't change anything in a heartbeat because you define me and my life.

The next post will focus on how exactly you've done that just by being you! I'll also talk about all the crazy changes that this summer of 2015 have brought into both of our lives.

Love, mom