Dearest C,
It's May 31st, 2017. It's official. We are down to the final month of just you and me. What a journey it has been? And you definitely keep it exciting up until the last minute don't you? I write this as I watch you play as we're staying home today as you have a mild case of hand foot mouth disease. As a fellow, I still feel so guilty about missing work but I am enjoying this extra time that I have with you (that is until grandma can make it down to San Diego so I can go back to work).
I find it harder and harder to tell you how I feel because words can only say so much. Instead, I try to show you every day how much I love you. I try so hard to be present and as you get older, I am realizing just how fleeting these moments are and how you are only this little for so long. Every time you want mommy, there's always a little sadness knowing that you won't need me this much in the future. Every time you tell me I'm your best friend, I just want to capture this moment forever because I know one day you'll have your own friends and it'll take some time for me to build a relationship with you that goes from mommy-daughter to one day, hopefully where you will truly think of me as your best friend as you become your own person and able to make your own choices.
I want you to choose me. I know you had no choice in who was your mom. You got stuck with me. And I could write an entire blog post on how sorry I am for all the mistakes I've made as a first time mom and how the working mom guilt consumes me at times but I won't because I want this post to be an uplifting and positive one. But like I said, you were stuck with me. We will always be mom and daughter. But as you get older, I hope you choose me to be your best friend. I hope you want to hang out with me. I hope you share your secrets with me. I hope you know that I will always be there for you as your mom but also as your "best friend."
Despite how hard the past 4.5 years has been, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I look back and sometimes wonder how I did it. The pain of being away with you for two and a half years still brings tears to my eyes. The past two years as just you and me as daddy did his fellowship at Yale (or whale as you used to call it) and his past year in LA as an attending has been the hardest but most fulfilling two years. I questioned myself all the time. I doubted myself so many times. But as we enter our last month of just the two of us, I know I wasn't perfect but I think I did okay.
I know I am biased but you at 4 and a half is definitely a force to be reckoned with. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are sweet. You make me feel special every single day. You make me so proud to be your mommy. I will forever cherish these past two years of the two of us. Even as a toddler, you made me work for it. You made me earn the title of primary caregiver. But as I became your person, the one that knew what every cry meant and the person who would know what you wanted and what you needed without you saying a single world, I became more and more confident that you and I are meant to be. There's no mistake that I was put on this Earth to be your mama.
Let's enjoy 1 more month of mommy-daughter dates, 1 more month of pre-school picks up and drop offs, 1 more month of you occasionally having to come with me to work, and most importantly, let's get ready to start the next chapter in our lives.
LA, we're coming for you! This family of 4 (including Po) is finally ready to live under the same roof.
I'm so proud of the person you are becoming. You will always be my biggest blessing, don't ever forget that!
Love, mama
