Dearest C,
It's May 31st, 2017. It's official. We are down to the final month of just you and me. What a journey it has been? And you definitely keep it exciting up until the last minute don't you? I write this as I watch you play as we're staying home today as you have a mild case of hand foot mouth disease. As a fellow, I still feel so guilty about missing work but I am enjoying this extra time that I have with you (that is until grandma can make it down to San Diego so I can go back to work).
I find it harder and harder to tell you how I feel because words can only say so much. Instead, I try to show you every day how much I love you. I try so hard to be present and as you get older, I am realizing just how fleeting these moments are and how you are only this little for so long. Every time you want mommy, there's always a little sadness knowing that you won't need me this much in the future. Every time you tell me I'm your best friend, I just want to capture this moment forever because I know one day you'll have your own friends and it'll take some time for me to build a relationship with you that goes from mommy-daughter to one day, hopefully where you will truly think of me as your best friend as you become your own person and able to make your own choices.
I want you to choose me. I know you had no choice in who was your mom. You got stuck with me. And I could write an entire blog post on how sorry I am for all the mistakes I've made as a first time mom and how the working mom guilt consumes me at times but I won't because I want this post to be an uplifting and positive one. But like I said, you were stuck with me. We will always be mom and daughter. But as you get older, I hope you choose me to be your best friend. I hope you want to hang out with me. I hope you share your secrets with me. I hope you know that I will always be there for you as your mom but also as your "best friend."
Despite how hard the past 4.5 years has been, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I look back and sometimes wonder how I did it. The pain of being away with you for two and a half years still brings tears to my eyes. The past two years as just you and me as daddy did his fellowship at Yale (or whale as you used to call it) and his past year in LA as an attending has been the hardest but most fulfilling two years. I questioned myself all the time. I doubted myself so many times. But as we enter our last month of just the two of us, I know I wasn't perfect but I think I did okay.
I know I am biased but you at 4 and a half is definitely a force to be reckoned with. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are sweet. You make me feel special every single day. You make me so proud to be your mommy. I will forever cherish these past two years of the two of us. Even as a toddler, you made me work for it. You made me earn the title of primary caregiver. But as I became your person, the one that knew what every cry meant and the person who would know what you wanted and what you needed without you saying a single world, I became more and more confident that you and I are meant to be. There's no mistake that I was put on this Earth to be your mama.
Let's enjoy 1 more month of mommy-daughter dates, 1 more month of pre-school picks up and drop offs, 1 more month of you occasionally having to come with me to work, and most importantly, let's get ready to start the next chapter in our lives.
LA, we're coming for you! This family of 4 (including Po) is finally ready to live under the same roof.
I'm so proud of the person you are becoming. You will always be my biggest blessing, don't ever forget that!
Love, mama
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Monday, January 2, 2017
Happy 4th Birthday C!
Dearest C,
I seriously cannot believe you are now 4! There are times it feels that these past 4 years flew by but it also seems like you've been with us forever and what was life before you?
I know I've neglected this blog this past year and the number of posts have gotten less but as you get older, it just gets harder and harder for me to put into words what you mean to me. But I am going to try today as it is your 4th birthday and all!
If there was one word to describe you, it would be that you are a fighter. I knew from the very beginning when you were in my tummy. Being my first pregnancy and all, I wasn't sure if what I was feeling were your kicks in my second trimester. However, when I went into the ER at 26 weeks for abdominal pain and you went in with me to get a MRI, you let me know you hated it! I didn't blame you as it was so incredibly loud for an entire 60 minutes and the images were being taken right where you were! But you definitely let me know that you were pissed off. You kicked me the entire 60 minutes and it was then I knew what they meant by fetal kicks.
At the time, I was so worried about what would happen to you while I went under general anesthesia but you nailed it. You were literally there when I had my appendix removed and you did exactly what you were suppose to do. You stayed inside and cooked for another 14 weeks.
When you were born, you were perfect. I was not. Tears still come to my eyes when I think back on that period of your life and I feel this insurmountable amount of guilt of what I put you through. I had no idea what I was doing. Instead of focusing on my perfect and healthy child, my mind kept going on how the heck I was going to balance motherhood and my career, which was in its infancy as I was only a PGY2 in my 6 years of training.
You nailed it again. You were the most perfect baby. You went from 7 pounds to 17 pounds by the end of my 7 week maternity leave! By the time, I had to go back to work, you were basically sleeping through the night except waking up once to eat and would right back to sleep. You thrived under the care of grandma. As I watched you grow into a happy healthy baby and eventual toddler that guilt started to lessen but never completely. You let me know in your way that you were doing well even though, I wasn't your primary caregiver and I knew my decision to keep you with grandma was the right one.
Fast forward to June 2015 and your move to San Diego. We only had about 4 weeks as a family of 3 until daddy had to go away to New Haven for fellowship. It was our first year as just the 2 of us. Once again, you were beyond patient with me. I struggled with balancing my last year of residency with being your primary caregiver. It wasn't easy for you to go from being the center of the world at grandma's house to going to pre-school full time and having a full-time plus working mom. But once again, you nailed it. You shut down all my fears in 2 months. You thrived at pre school. You learned English in a matter of weeks. You made friends. You formed bonds with your teachers. It was one of the most hardest years of my life but it was beyond gratifying to finally be your "favorite" and the one you wanted in your times of need.
And here we are today on your 4th birthday. We survived the first half of mommy's fellowship. It's still just the two of us but we have so much to look forward to as in 6 months, we'll be joining daddy in LA and mommy will be starting my attending job in LA. We have a lot of firsts to look forward to this summer as we start a new chapter in our lives. But until then, I'm going to enjoy these next 6 months of just you and me. I will always look back at these times and the difficult memories will fade but the memories of picking you up from school while you run to me, the memories of eating dinner just the two of us and the memories of all the mommy-daughter dates after school will always remain be in my heart.
I know I say this all the time. But I had it all wrong. You continue to teach me something new every single day. You show me a love that I didn't I know I was capable of and you show me that love is not finite. My heart grows in places that I didn't know existed. Life has never been the same since you entered 4 years ago and I am beyond blessed to be your mama.
It is truly an honor, C. Thank you and happiest birthday to my firstborn!
Love, Mama
I seriously cannot believe you are now 4! There are times it feels that these past 4 years flew by but it also seems like you've been with us forever and what was life before you?
I know I've neglected this blog this past year and the number of posts have gotten less but as you get older, it just gets harder and harder for me to put into words what you mean to me. But I am going to try today as it is your 4th birthday and all!
If there was one word to describe you, it would be that you are a fighter. I knew from the very beginning when you were in my tummy. Being my first pregnancy and all, I wasn't sure if what I was feeling were your kicks in my second trimester. However, when I went into the ER at 26 weeks for abdominal pain and you went in with me to get a MRI, you let me know you hated it! I didn't blame you as it was so incredibly loud for an entire 60 minutes and the images were being taken right where you were! But you definitely let me know that you were pissed off. You kicked me the entire 60 minutes and it was then I knew what they meant by fetal kicks.
At the time, I was so worried about what would happen to you while I went under general anesthesia but you nailed it. You were literally there when I had my appendix removed and you did exactly what you were suppose to do. You stayed inside and cooked for another 14 weeks.
When you were born, you were perfect. I was not. Tears still come to my eyes when I think back on that period of your life and I feel this insurmountable amount of guilt of what I put you through. I had no idea what I was doing. Instead of focusing on my perfect and healthy child, my mind kept going on how the heck I was going to balance motherhood and my career, which was in its infancy as I was only a PGY2 in my 6 years of training.
You nailed it again. You were the most perfect baby. You went from 7 pounds to 17 pounds by the end of my 7 week maternity leave! By the time, I had to go back to work, you were basically sleeping through the night except waking up once to eat and would right back to sleep. You thrived under the care of grandma. As I watched you grow into a happy healthy baby and eventual toddler that guilt started to lessen but never completely. You let me know in your way that you were doing well even though, I wasn't your primary caregiver and I knew my decision to keep you with grandma was the right one.
Fast forward to June 2015 and your move to San Diego. We only had about 4 weeks as a family of 3 until daddy had to go away to New Haven for fellowship. It was our first year as just the 2 of us. Once again, you were beyond patient with me. I struggled with balancing my last year of residency with being your primary caregiver. It wasn't easy for you to go from being the center of the world at grandma's house to going to pre-school full time and having a full-time plus working mom. But once again, you nailed it. You shut down all my fears in 2 months. You thrived at pre school. You learned English in a matter of weeks. You made friends. You formed bonds with your teachers. It was one of the most hardest years of my life but it was beyond gratifying to finally be your "favorite" and the one you wanted in your times of need.
And here we are today on your 4th birthday. We survived the first half of mommy's fellowship. It's still just the two of us but we have so much to look forward to as in 6 months, we'll be joining daddy in LA and mommy will be starting my attending job in LA. We have a lot of firsts to look forward to this summer as we start a new chapter in our lives. But until then, I'm going to enjoy these next 6 months of just you and me. I will always look back at these times and the difficult memories will fade but the memories of picking you up from school while you run to me, the memories of eating dinner just the two of us and the memories of all the mommy-daughter dates after school will always remain be in my heart.
I know I say this all the time. But I had it all wrong. You continue to teach me something new every single day. You show me a love that I didn't I know I was capable of and you show me that love is not finite. My heart grows in places that I didn't know existed. Life has never been the same since you entered 4 years ago and I am beyond blessed to be your mama.
It is truly an honor, C. Thank you and happiest birthday to my firstborn!
Love, Mama
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