Dearest C,
Today was one of those mornings. Actually it's been a not so fun couple of weeks for both you and me.
Last Tuesday, you started your first day in the 3 year old class. It's the same pre-school but different classroom. Yet from your perspective, it must feel like a whole new world with different teachers, different classmates and different routine. And given your stubborn personality, I know it's hard to accept change. With both your pre-schools in Irvine and your 2 year old class in San Diego, you took 6-7 weeks until you felt completely comfortable and started to enjoy pre-school. Speaking of your personality, you are definitely a thinker. You take your time whether you want to do something or get to know someone. But you are also very confident in your choices because once you make up your mind, you usually don't go back on your decision.
We've somehow made it to the last day of week 2 this morning but I think we may have had our worst morning yet. For some miracle, despite you being in pre-school for over a year, you and I haven't experienced too many colds or other illnesses. You got a case of hand-foot-mouth disease 3-4 months ago but other than that, you've been quite a trooper. I actually think it is my immune system that can't keep up! You got a cold last week but it didn't seem to bother you at all. It wasn't serious and you were able to go to school. However, I must have caught it this week and I have been miserable!
Being sick and taking care of a 3 year old while having to be a resident is something that definitely causes a lot of WTF moments. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and count to 10 just to calm myself down and return to the moment. Its easy for me to get upset at your dad. A lot of times this week I think "he should be here," "why am I doing this alone?" or "how nice it would be if he were here to just entertain you for 30 minutes so I can take a nap." But no. I don't get any of those things and for the most part, we've been going along with our daily routine with a lot of meltdowns, tantrums and tears.
I try really really hard to not join in your meltdowns, tantrums and tears. But I did this morning. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was coughing every 2 minutes. When it finally felt like I fell asleep, you were up and you were screaming and yelling about not wanting to go to school and how you want to go back to the 2 year old class.
You calmed down and you had breakfast. But everything was said and done with whining. At that point, I had already lost my voice from cold and couldn't' really respond to you. When it was time to get dressed that is when you lost it completely. The weather is still mildly cold so when I told you to pick a long sleeved shirt, you refused. When I said I would count to 5 and I wanted you to pick a shirt in 5 seconds, you chose that moment to throw all your winter clothes on the ground. That was the moment I lost it. I know I shouldn't have but I did. I yelled back, which is something I really hate to do and when I forced you to put on a long sleeved shirt, it shocked me that I hurt you in the process. I saw I grabbed your arm a little too hard and I hated myself in the moment. I really did hate myself.
I counted to ten slowly and I asked you what you would like to wear and you chose a short sleeved doggy shirt and you agreed to wear a jacket. We went to the car. You cried the entire drive to school and then you cried the enter walk into your classroom. You cried so loud that your teacher, Ms Sarah, had to take you outside as the other students were reading books during circle time and your cries were too disruptive.
I came outside and called grandma and just lost it. I cried and cried and cried some more. I felt like I failed you as a mom. As I being too selfish? Is it fair of me to send my daughter to school so I can finish my residency? Why am I forced to make these choices as a woman? And also just tremendous guilt mostly along the thoughts of "I am a horrible mother!." "Why did I lose it?," and "Why can't I be more patient?"
My dearest Chloe bear, I am sure it is so difficult for you to transition to another environment. I'm sorry for having too high of expectations. I'm so sorry for trying to get you to fit into my life and not the other way around. I am sorry for losing my temper. I am sorry for forcing you to do something you don't want to do. I am so so sorry. This is my apology to you. I am figuring out this motherhood thing as time goes on and as a type A personality who organizes my life to every minute, every second, I have not been most the most flexible mom. And you need that in your life. You go to school all day from Monday or Friday where you are forced to follow a schedule and you do just fine. You loved your 2 year old class but right now, you're transitioning and I'm sorry for not being understanding. I'm sorry for dismissing your meltdowns, tantrums and tears and not seeing them as signs of distress.
Starting today, we'll do something different. When you cry, I'll just simply hug you. I can't change your class room and I can't send you back to your old teachers but I will constantly remind you that despite all the changes going on right now, mommy is always a constant. Mom is someone you an count on. Mom is not someone who'll yell back and force you to adjust to mom's life. You take all the time you need and I promise to be more patient. You've done it before and you'll do it again.
I love you to the moon and back. I know I'm a imperfect mother and my heart is breaking at work at the way we left things this morning. But I promise, I"ll pick you up today with a smile on my face and come Monday, we'll do things differently.
Love, Mom
