Your first broken bone

Dearest C,

It has been awhile since my last post. It has been a very busy time for us the last few months. A quick recap-- mommy graduated residency in June, we went on your first cruise with grandma the week after graduation, daddy had his fellowship graduation dinner end of June  and you went on your first east coast trip and we had a wonderful time with daddy in New York for a long weekend and then most recently, mommy started fellowship. Also, sometime within that month, you and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. It's been over a year since you moved down to San Diego and it's now about a year since it's just been you and me as we're nearing the end of your dad's fellowship. On a side note, daddy will be coming back "forever" as you say in about 10 days! Although, we will have to wait another year to join daddy in LA to truly start our "forever" as a family of 3.

But let's go back to mom starting fellowship. July 1st was mommy's first day. And I really just got thrown in. I got assigned to covering the emergency room from 5-12pm the first ten days of fellowship as an attending (aka no supervision; no one is there to check my work; what I say is the final word aka totally petrifying!). Since we started on a Friday and it was 10 days in a row--there was the holiday weekend. Since I had to work the holiday weekend, I took you to OC to stay with grandma on Saturday and my plan was to commute back and forth so I could spend the day with you.

On Sunday evening (the 3rd), we said good bye and I drove down to San Diego to go straight to work. At approximately 4:50 PM, grandma calls me in a panic. She's screaming and I can't understand one word she's saying and I hear you screaming and crying. I finally calmed grandma down and was able to hear what happened. Your grandparents are in the process of moving and a huge wooden sculpture that your grandpa had for awhile was in the living room. It's been there for years but it has always been leaning against a wall. However, for the new house, he wanted to hang it up and he had some people come by to take a look at it to see how it could be mounted. Unfortunately, they did not put in back in the stable position it used to be in.

Grandma was upstairs doing laundry and she told you to hold on as you two were going to go to the park to feed the ducks. You were excited and went downstairs first. You are such a careful child and we never have to worry about you touching things you aren't suppose to and so I know it was a complete accident. You even told me. You were waiting for grandma. You put on your backpack and the big thing fell on you. Grandma came downstairs and saw you stuck under the huge wooden sculpture and your poor little left foot was pinned. I'm not sure how she did but she lifted it up and got you out and called me.

Back in San Diego, I pull over and ask grandma to send me photos of your foot and we Skype. I am able to see that there was no open fracture. I asked grandma to check to see if you are neurovascularly intact. You were. So I gave her two options. One was to take you to a children's hospital in Orange County but unfortunately, nobody was around to help her. Grandpa is out on the country. Your uncle wasn't home. And your dad is still on the east coast. Second option was to drive down and we go to a children's hospital in San Diego where mommy and daddy has rotated before and where I am familiar with the system.

We went with option 2. I called the ER PM attending in charge to sort out my options. There wasn't much as there was no back up. So I went to work and worked until you and grandma got to San Diego. Then I left, we went to ED together and I promised to return when I could.

Grandma made it around 6:30PM and we got to Rady's children hospital by 7PM. We were seen right away and your daddy from the east coast was able to contact the orthopedic resident (aka bone doctor) to see you right away. An x-ray was taken and my gut feeling was confirmed--you had a broken bone. Here's your adorable little foot x-ray.

Luckily, it's a non-displaced base of third metatarsal fracture, which means no surgery and no cast. You just have the most adorable little hard sole shoe.

As for now, it's been 3 days since your injury. You still refuse to put any weight on it. Grandma is staying with us in San Diego so mommy can go to work at night. And since she's here, I am keeping you at home this week so you're getting a week off school so you can rest. My heart still breaks every time I see your little foot and if there was a way, I could feel the pain for you, I would in a heartbeat. 

However, the whole point of this post is not just to document your first fracture but how you handled it. Despite your frustrations at being unable to walk, you have the brightest disposition that would put most adults to shame. You tell me "mommy, it's okay! I'll be better soon. I'll just crawl like a baby until I can walk." When I told you "I don't know what I would do if something bad happened to you," you responded with "don't cry mommy! nothing bad will happen to me. you're my mommy--we will be together forever." I don't know how at 3 you are so perceptive and so positive.

Once again, it reminds me that I had it all wrong when I was pregnant. I thought there would be so many things to teach you, little one but it is you that continues to teach me day in and day out on how to be a better human being, a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter and a better doctor. Thank you C, it is truly a blessing to be your mama!

Love, mama 

Mommy is sorry...

Dearest C,

Today was one of those mornings. Actually it's been a not so fun couple of weeks for both you and me.

Last Tuesday, you started your first day in the 3 year old class. It's the same pre-school but different  classroom. Yet from your perspective, it must feel like a whole new world with different teachers, different classmates and different routine. And given your stubborn personality, I know it's hard to accept change. With both your pre-schools in Irvine and your 2 year old class in San Diego, you took 6-7 weeks until you felt completely comfortable and started to enjoy pre-school. Speaking of your personality, you are definitely a thinker. You take your time whether you want to do something or get to know someone. But you are also very confident in your choices because once you make up your mind, you usually don't go back on your decision.

We've somehow made it to the last day of week 2 this morning but I think we may have had our worst morning yet. For some miracle, despite you being in pre-school for over a year, you and I haven't experienced too many colds or other illnesses. You got a case of hand-foot-mouth disease 3-4 months ago but other than that, you've been quite a trooper. I actually think it is my immune system that can't keep up! You got a cold last week but it didn't seem to bother you at all. It wasn't serious and you were able to go to school. However, I must have caught it this week and I have been miserable!

Being sick and taking care of a 3 year old while having to be a resident is something that definitely causes a lot of WTF moments. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and count to 10 just to calm myself down and return to the moment. Its easy for me to get upset at your dad. A lot of times this week I think "he should be here," "why am I doing this alone?" or "how nice it would be if he were here to just entertain you for 30 minutes so I can take a nap." But no. I don't get any of those things and for the most part, we've been going along with our daily routine with a lot of meltdowns, tantrums and tears.

I try really really hard to not join in your meltdowns, tantrums and tears. But I did this morning. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was coughing every 2 minutes. When it finally felt like I fell asleep, you were up and you were screaming and yelling about not wanting to go to school and how you want to go back to the 2 year old class.

You calmed down and you had breakfast. But everything was said and done with whining. At that point, I had already lost my voice from cold and couldn't' really respond to you. When it was time to get dressed that is when you lost it completely. The weather is still mildly cold so when I told you to pick a long sleeved shirt, you refused. When I said I would count to 5 and I wanted you to pick a shirt in 5 seconds, you chose that moment to throw all your winter clothes on the ground. That was the moment I lost it. I know I shouldn't have but I did. I yelled back, which is something I really hate to do and when I forced you to put on a long sleeved shirt, it shocked me that I hurt you in the process. I saw I grabbed your arm a little too hard and I hated myself in the moment. I really did hate myself.

I counted to ten slowly and I asked you what you would like to wear and you chose a short sleeved doggy shirt and you agreed to wear a jacket. We went to the car. You cried the entire drive to school and then you cried the enter walk into your classroom. You cried so loud that your teacher, Ms Sarah, had to take you outside as the other students were reading books during circle time and your cries were too disruptive.

I came outside and called grandma and just lost it. I cried and cried and cried some more. I felt like I failed you as a mom. As I being too selfish? Is it fair of me to send my daughter to school so I can finish my residency? Why am I forced to make these choices as a woman? And also just tremendous guilt mostly along the thoughts of "I am a horrible mother!." "Why did I lose it?," and "Why can't I be more patient?"

My dearest Chloe bear, I am sure it is so difficult for you to transition to another environment. I'm sorry for having too high of expectations. I'm so sorry for trying to get you to fit into my life and not the other way around. I am sorry for losing my temper. I am sorry for forcing you to do something you don't want to do. I am so so sorry. This is my apology to you. I am figuring out this motherhood thing as time goes on and as a type A personality who organizes my life to every minute, every second, I have not been most the most flexible mom. And you need that in your life. You go to school all day from Monday or Friday where you are forced to follow a schedule and you do just fine. You loved your 2 year old class but right now, you're transitioning and I'm sorry for not being understanding. I'm sorry for dismissing your meltdowns, tantrums and tears and not seeing them as signs of distress.

Starting today, we'll do something different. When you cry, I'll just simply hug you. I can't change your class room and I can't send you back to your old teachers but I will constantly remind you that despite all the changes going on right now, mommy is always a constant. Mom is someone you an count on. Mom is not someone who'll yell back and force you to adjust to mom's life. You take all the time you need and I promise to be more patient. You've done it before and you'll do it again.

I love you to the moon and back. I know I'm a imperfect mother and my heart is breaking at work at the way we left things this morning. But I promise, I"ll pick you up today with a smile on my face and come Monday, we'll do things differently.

Love, Mom