Dearest C,
It struck me today how grown up you are.
It made me a little emotional.
We were getting ready for school like we normally do.
We ate breakfast and we brushed your teeth, washed your face and I asked you if you wanted to me to do your hair.
Today you said, "yes mommy! only 1! only 1!" (meaning you only want 1 ponytail) As I started combing your hair into a pony tail and grabbed a hair tie. You said "no mommy!!!!! I want a white hair tie!"
This is so you at less than 3 months away from being 3. You are so sure in what you want. There's no doubt in your voice. You hold strong to your convictions. My stubborn, fierce, firstborn.
I grabbed the white hair tie and put your hair into a pony tail. It's been some time since you asked me to do your hair. You usually keep it down. As I stared at your long pony tail, it struck me how grown up you are.
Wasn't it just yesterday that I was staring at your toothless, hairless chunky monkey face and wondering what was going on in that little head of yours? Wasn't it just yesterday that I would buy ridiculous hair bands so people would know that you were a girl and wonder when it would be time to start braiding and styling your non-existent hair?
I realized this morning. That day has already come. It was an ordinary day but that morning, I held you a little closer when we hugged good-bye at our morning pre-school drop off. These moments are numbered. These days are numbered.
As my firstborn, I apologize in advance for being an imperfect mother. I don't know what I'm doing majority of the time and a lot of it is trail and error. You have been so patient with me and nothing but a true angel baby.
It was as if you already knew and you're going easy on me.
I'll always hold a special place in my heart for you because you are my firstborn. You are the one that made me a mother.
Today what made me sad the most was that you are almost 3. Because of residency, I've missed out on so many moments. Somehow in the midst of all this craziness, my baby became a little girl. And it struck me that these beautiful moments that I get to experience with you now are so fleeting.
This is my vow to you, my beautiful firstborn, I will not take another moment for granted. Every hug, every kiss, every I love you.
I remember thinking the best is yet to come when I initially started residency. Fast forward 4 years later and I am still a resident but watching you grow up, I realized the best is here. And I owe that to you.
You make me feel beautiful even on the days I feel my worst. You make me feel important even on the days I feel overlooked. You make me feel loved even on the days I feel lonely. You remind me that I have a purpose in life. A bigger purpose than my career.
It's an honor, little one to be your mama.
